Entry 34.
Been a bit since I posted. I don't know whether I'm just tired of the pandemic or tired because I have Lyme disease or tired because my life has been trying to be one manic overachievement for the last twenty-odd years.
So many things got tried and so many things got failed. It all seems like my life has been one big disaster. I know being tired kind of colors this but it's easy to have thoughts like that when you are very, very tired.
I shouldn't be so hard on myself but I am.
One of the porch cats died the other day. Maja had to go to the vet's to be put to sleep. She died so softly in my arms, wrapped in a soft pink fleece blanket. While she was dying, her little tongue poked out. I heard her stomach gurgling three or four times. I sat very very still and it was very, very quiet. It was so peaceful for just those few minutes. Then I managed to put her little tongue back into her mouth.
I wish I had done better, been better, done more.
We always feel this way when somebody dies. My mother-in-law died the same week.
Again I wish I had done more, been better, done better. But there's no time to do that now. She gave me some beautiful jewelry for my birthday a few months ago. She had it delivered. I didn't even thank her for it. I went to her bedside while she was dying but she was asleep and didn't wake up while I was there.
We never know when we aren't gonna get to talk to somebody anymore. I guess I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want to be married. I didn't want to be older than sixteen and I never wanted to grow up.
Sometimes life is like walking in big clunky shoes through castlesful of endlessly tall rooms full of heavy dark funeral home furniture, and they all take five thousand years and fifty million miles to cross. I can't even go into one of those rooms without feeling tired before, during and afterwards. Sometimes I just don't go. I just get in the bed instead and hope to brave it all tomorrow.
I can't even go upstairs to get my pajamas. Well I can but I don't want to and it hurts to sit here typing so I guess I will go upstairs and get my pajamas. At some point.
And the pandemic rages on and no one pays attention. And how many percent of people are vaccinated in Alabama yet? I wish a thousand percent. But no such luck.
Maybe if most of Alabama could just try not to be xenophobic bigots for just one day. They might discover that they liked not being xenophobic bigots and they might keep on not being them. Wouldn't that be grand? Just give it the old college try, Alabama! Know what that is? Hmm. Now I sound snippy. That's because I am. The old college try! If you even know what that is, Alabama!
Well if you don't like Alabama then you should just move the fuck out.
Well I wish YOU would move the fuck off the PLANET with that STUPID RETORT. "If you don't like it just leave." Yeah I don't like YOU and YOU should just leave. Because that turdish retort is outdated, outworn, and tacky and it just doesn't fucking work for me. I can sit here all day long if I want and say what's wrong with Alabama and still live here. Maybe it's like, being REAL about it or something. Or NOT BEING IN DENIAL.
I can say what's wrong with anything I see something wrong with, if that works for me.
I intend to spend the rest of my life doing what works for me. Whatever that is.
If I see something I like, I can say something about that, too.
Now you go away and do the same. Run along now. Aww, don't go away mad; just go away.
So now that you are gone, I will go look online and find out what are the symptoms of Lyme disease. Thank you for going away so that I can concentrate on what I am trying to do here.
Thank you. Ever notice how "fuck you" sounds kind of a lot like "thank you"? Well it does! Especially if you say "thank you" when you are very, very tired.
Who in the HELL am I even talking to here?
I swear I don't know but Bix Beiderbecke is playing on the Sirius XM Real Jazz station and he was SO talented and he died WAY too young. Maybe he reincarnated into Jason Isbell.
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